What I Did When I Got Unhelpful Feedback From a Loved One

So, you’ve made some progress in your journey to better health. Then your friend comes in and tells you that you don’t need to abstain from a particular food, “You look great!”

Perhaps they say:

You’re different

You’re no fun

Live a little

You don’t seem like yourself

One taste isn’t going to kill ‘ya

You look too thin

You’re just fine as you are

It’s Friday

You’ve earned it

These moments can be pivotal in your success journey. They can crush your soul or they can teach you what is most important. Sometimes growth in one area means trimming back in another. To grow in health may mean shrinking back from unhealthy relationships.

When I started going to counseling my world got rocked. At my first appointment my counselor laid me bare. He showed me the behaviors that I had been using to moderate my mood and how far I was from living the life that I wanted. It was a heartbreaking experience. I had gone in thinking I had it mostly together. I left feeling like my life was a disaster. I was depressed for a few days after that. Thankfully during that same appointment he showed me the path out. Though not easy, I recognized it as something that needed to be done.

After a few more months of counseling, multiple books and plenty of group therapy sessions I started seeing more of who I really was. I started getting glimpses of the Andrew that had long been forgotten, covered up by the mask that I wore as I tried to please everyone. It was during this time that I was spending a lot of time bouncing ideas around with one of my best friends at the time. We had gotten to know each other very well and what he was seeing troubled him.

From his perspective this counselor had my head in the wrong spot. He saw my personality changing, my perspective shifting. My mind was growing away from the old ways of thinking and into the new. I was like a crab that sheds its shell so that it can grow a newer and better one. It was precisely at this time that I got some feedback that was less than helpful. I’m thankful that it was presented diplomatically. I’ve heard many stories of similar interactions that had more venom.

My friend thought I was abandoning myself, turning into some sort of made up creation. The person that he had known for many years was different, very different. So different that I couldn’t be the same person.

I was in between shells. Vulnerable, naked. I had left my old mask behind, the shell of my former self was fading. I had not yet grown into the person I needed to be. My soft side was exposed. “I think this guys wrong.” He said “This doesn’t seem like you. He’s gotten into your head, man.”

He was trying to come from a helpful place, but it was less than helpful. He knew me as a hedonist, but that wasn’t really me. Even those words spoken from a caring place hurt. Because I recognized that I had been living a life that wasn’t true to myself. I was seeing more of who I really was, and this was one of my first rejections of that untrue self. It was tough because he was trying to help.

I grew my armor as fast as I could, I created distance where I needed to. This allowed me to finish the work on my exposed self. I use the term “finished” loosely here, there is always more to be done. I let distance and time do its work in our relationship as I continued to change.

It wasn’t until after I was strong and confident in my true self that I reached out again to rekindle that relationship. It was disjointed and awkward. We didn’t think the same anymore. We looked at life differently. And I recognized behaviors in him that I knew had caused issue with myself, so I felt like I always needed to be on guard. There wasn’t much room for a friendship and so things quietly faded.

You may have someone (or many someones!) in your life that think they are trying to be helpful. They are looking out for your best interests, they think. It is up to YOU to determine what is truly best for you, and you may need to communicate that to your loved ones.

These conversations are not easy. They are often awkward, disjointed, and stir up emotion. That does not mean they are not worth having. Quite the opposite. Every time I’ve had a conversation like this I’ve left feeling relieved and like I did the right thing. Take the time to make your feelings known. Have the awkward moment at a cocktail party where you give some firm pushback to a friend who’s “only trying to help.” Talk to your aunt or your in-laws about the amount of food they push at you.

It is your responsibility to take care of yourself. It is their responsibility to manage their own feelings and emotions about that issue. You are not in charge of the way they feel, so stop trying to tip-toe around the issue while you die on the inside. No one gets healthier that way.

Andrew Biernat is a Personal Trainer and Strength Coach at Tall Trainer Fitness Systems. He has a passion for personal growth and is currently writing a book on the topic.