The Guilt and Shame Spiral

In my coaching group we were tackling the idea of guilt and shame and how it affects each person. Each person had  a different story and example, but much of it tied back to food.

Often food is the "solution" to guilt and shame.

There is often a spiral associated with these feelings. Guilt, as in I did something bad, and shame, as in I am bad, each feel icky within us. We don't like those types of feelings, and so we seek a solution. Often times the solution is momentary and puts us in a worse spot.

Here is how the shame spiral typically goes:

1. You take an action that doesn't align with your values
2. You have a 'negative' emotion that follows it
3. You connect with the 'negative' feeling
4. You seek a way out of the feeling
5. You take an action to solve the feeling (often something that doesn't align with your values)
6. The spiral starts again!

Have you ever used phrases like:

"I was bad this weekend."

"I did not behave myself after the waitress asked if we wanted dessert."

 "I already blew it, so I might as well..."

These are all signals that you have experienced or are currently experiencing a downward spiral. For some people that spiral lasts a few minutes. For others, it can last days or weeks. In extreme cases it can last a lifetime.

We talked about the two best ways to solve this spiral:

• Change Your Values (best long term solution)
• The Four F's (good for short term fixing)

Changing your values will set you up for success long term. Often the idea of perfectionism or extreme expectation are what trigger the spiral. So you must do the work to tackle those issues for long term relief.

For some short term help, I'll give you the Four F's framework.

1. Flexible Approach
2. Not A Failure
3. Forgive Yourself
4. Fix What Went Wrong

As you set out to change your health for the better it is important to stay flexible in the way you do things. What works for Sally, might not work for you. You need to be willing to adjust on the fly if necessary and still be able to be healthy. Your biggest enemy here will be perfectionism.

Understand that you will fail. REPEATEDLY. It is very much a part of the process. To believe that everything will go perfectly smooth is fantasy. Your biggest enemy here is going to be your beliefs (which may have been adopted from parents, friends, coworkers, or 'the world') on how things are supposed to work.

Be able to forgive yourself. This can often be the hardest one to do. Feelings of unworthiness and disgust often surround our shortcomings. Toxic shame will be your biggest enemy here.

Lastly, be able to fix what went wrong. Notice the trends and patterns that surround your behavior. Take the time to find the commonalities between episodes of your spiral. And then make a few minor changes that you think can make the biggest impact. Your biggest obstacle to this is going to be creating time and space to spend on solving the problem.

This is all stuff that we work through in my coaching group. Knowing what to do is a start. Finding out how to apply what you know is what will help you take things to the next level.

If you're tired of feeling like all of your hard work on nutrition and exercise is going to waste, I'd encourage you to reach out. I'd love to help. [email protected]

Your Coach,

Andrew Biernat
Author, Speaker, Coach

 Andrew is a Personal Trainer and Health Coach based in scenic Canandaigua, NY. He loves living life with his wife Samantha, and daughter Rosabelle. Author of the book Grow Your Mind, Shrink Your Waist, Andrew shares his message of growth and change with his clients, community, and everyone he comes in contact with. Known for his contagious laughter and boundless enthusiasm, Andrew has a heart for service. Let him help you. Get his book, or send him a message: [email protected]