"Conflict arises when there is a difference between expectations and reality"

“Conflict arises when there is a difference between expectations and reality” – Dr. Tim Elmore (on Andy Stanley Podcast)
 

I was listening to a podcast and pulled this quote out.  It was a great reminder to me.  This is in fact the only reason for conflict.  If we take this to one extreme.  If someone expects to be treated badly when they are it doesn’t cause a conflict.  If you expect to be treated fabulously and are treated mediocre there is a conflict. 

You could think that one solution would be to not get your hopes up.  And some people use this strategy.  I think there does need to be more of this.  Entitlement is the king of conflict.  Of you feel owed something you get a bit sad, upset, or angry if you don’t get it. 

I don’t know about you but I love dealing with thankful daughters rather than entitled. 

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Matthew 23:12 NIV

I have rarely had the issue where Sarah is annoyed with me that I am so humble in my dealings with her.  More often it’s when I feel she “should” do something or I’m “owed” something.  That’s when it gets a little tense in the Biernat home.  Spending more time on thankfulness can be huge.  

However, I do feel like this humbling can go too far.  Why would someone stay with someone who is abusing them?  There is actually not much conflict because the abusee expects abuse from the abuser.  They have such a low opinion of themselves that they do not confront.  This is also what happens in bullying. 

Well poop.

This just got more complicated.  I need to humble myself but not too far?

Yep.

Welcome to the mess we call life!  Finding the right balance is very tough. 

So another thing we can do is “Set” expectations.  We do this when we tell Anna she has 5 more minutes on the playground before we need to leave.  If we just pull her from the playground without warning she will have a melt-down.  When we set expectations then it works out without the same level of conflict. 

If you are having conflict with people around you, how can you set expectations ahead of time to avoid the conflict?  (or at least lessen the impact). 

We as humans like good surprises where someone exceeds our expectations. 

We don’t like negative surprises when it suddenly falls short of expectations. 

A good rule of thumb can sometimes be to under promise and over deliver.  Instead of optimistically telling someone you’ll be there in 5 minutes and show up 15 minutes later. 

I hope this was as helpful a reminder as it was for me.  I hope it allows you to have less conflict in your life. 

About the Author:

Jeremy “the tall trainer” Biernat is a Certified Personal Trainer, Certified Strength Coach, has his Bachelors in Exercise Science, and enjoys writing, speaking, and inspiring people online and in person. See his new book!  More importantly he is a husband, father, and follower of God. His practice is in upstate NY (Canandaigua) where he works with people in one on one and group sessions to make awesome changes in their lives. He doesn’t do everything perfect, cries in movies, and would love to hear from you. You can contact Jeremy by commenting to this post, emailing [email protected], or calling 1(800)380-7047. 

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